I am fortunate to have some pretty great in-laws. My husband has said the same about his. I think this is because of the trust each of our parents have that as husband and wife we can make decisions that our best for our family. There is a mutual respect and consideration for one another. So far, I have never felt pressured or controlled by his family. I am incredibly grateful for this. I do know though that some couples are not as fortunate. 

The article titled, Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families by Harper and Olsen gives great advice and insight into maintaining healthy relationships with in-laws. He quotes Elder Marvin J. Ashton:

Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother and other family members, it was never intended that they may now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength… Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of dominion, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement. 

One of the most important relationships in our life is the one we have with our spouse. We are encouraged to cleave to and uplift one another. Unfortunately, in some cases, there is a strain on the relationship due to family members and in-laws. I have seen this with my own friends. Parents can overstep their boundaries and want to make decisions for them. This has caused unnecessary tension in their relationship. Although we cannot control the actions and behaviors of others, it is important to establish boundaries and practices when making decisions. There is a sense of “marital identity” within a couple. A man and wife become unified when married and should strive to make decisions together. Getting into a habit of this will reduce marital stress and tension as both individuals discuss their feelings and concerns. I am grateful for a husband who has included me in decisions made and allows me to express my thoughts and opinions. 

A lesson that I learned before getting married is the importance of working together as husband and wife, especially when it comes to disciplining your children. As hard as it may be, it is crucial that when a husband and wife disagree with each other, they do so in private and not in front of their kids. If you disagree or undermine your spouse in front of your kids, then your kids will not see you as a unit working together and can use that for their advantage. This was an important principle I learned in my Development Psychology class that is also reiterated in the article, Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families by Richard B. Miller. He states: “It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other”. 

One of the best things that I have noticed since being married is that my husband and I have become unified. Just because we are unified in marriage does not mean that we do not have our own unique personality or that our opinions line up all the time. And that is perfectly okay. We are still our own person, but now even better because we have our partner alongside of us. When me and my husband decide to have children, I hope that we can continue to be unified and make decisions together on behalf of our children. I want us to be equal partners in our home and avoid disagreeing in front of our children. I want to approach every issue with our children in agreement and help to be a good example of parents who love and respect one another. 

Mar 19 at 12:17pmManage Discussion Entry

One of the greatest gifts that God has given us is the ability to become unified with our spouse. This is possible through pure love, acts of service, active communication, intimacy, and many other attributes that strengthens a relationship. There is a wide range of views on sexual intimacy. Satan wants us to believe that sex is just a pleasurable act and nothing else. He also tries to tempt us to share this intimacy outside of marriage. Knowing what the gospel teaches, we believe that sex is a bonding act that should only be practiced within marriage between a man and wife. This is not necessarily meaning that we cannot hold hands and kiss those we date, however, Satan can tempt us into sharing intimate acts with others believing that intimacy solely within a marriage is not as sacred as it is.  Physical acts of love is ordained of God within the bonds of marriage where the couple can feel bonded and enjoy the love shared with one another.

I love what Harold B. Lee had to say about marital intimacy. “The divine impulse within every true man and woman that impels companionship with the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy impulse for a holy purpose, not to be satisfied as a mere biological urge or as a lust of the flesh in promiscuous associations, but to be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock.” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church, 2000, p. 112). I was not surprised to have learned that one of the biggest reasons for divorce is the lack of intimacy. As mentioned by Harold B. Lee, marital intimacy is an expression of true love. If a couple is not being physically intimate, it takes away one opportunity to show one another the care that is felt. President Kimball states, “Couples may argue in private or simply isolate themselves in anger and emotional hurt, but to the world outside all may appear just fine. Too often a couple will admit to no one else, not even to themselves, that sexual difficulties are polarizing and paralyzing the love that they once committed themselves to share and sustain”. Sex is a huge part of marriage. It signifies closeness and unity and is an expression of true love that is most special within the bonds of marriage. 

From Dr. Gottman’s book, titled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I have learned a few key points in regards to maintaining a healthy relationship. One, we are in control of our responses and actions. Two, supporting one another’s dreams and aspirations are crucial in a happy marriage. Three, You have to have fun and continue to build a friendship with your spouse.  

Something that I have learned in my marriage that was reiterated in Gottman’s book, is that anger is a choice. We are justified in having emotion, however, it is a choice as to how we respond. Little things used to irritate me more than they do now. I have learned how to laugh when things go bad. For example, my husband and I for months have had car issues. Having broken down on the side of the road several times and seeing his reaction of patience and hope that things will be okay, has helped me to have a more positive outlook. I have felt frustrated and angered due to this situation, but I realized when I choose to make light of the situation I am way more relaxed and okay with everything. Anger brings unnecessary stress. It can also negatively impact marriages if left uncontrolled. Finding the positive is always the best thing to try to do. 

Another element of a marriage that Gottman encourages is supporting one another in their dreams and aspirations. Even being married, we each have our own personality and desires. It is important to keep our individualism and continue our own hobbies. Even though they may be different from our spouses’ we can support one another. My husband and his family have always enjoyed playing games with each other. When he initiates games, I try to find fun in the games he likes to play so that he can continue doing the things he enjoys doing. 

Lastly, I thinking having fun with your spouse is extremely important. Life is meant to be enjoyed. As I mentioned earlier with the car, we cannot take things too seriously. We need to seek out the positive and strive to have fun while doing it. Some of my fondest moments with my husband is laughing with him. He is incredibly goofy and can make me laugh almost whenever. When we have quality time together doing something fun, we feel that much closer and bonded. It takes us back to when we first started dating. 

In his article Agency and Anger, Elder Lynn G. Robbins speaks on Satan’s evil plan to make us think that our emotions are uncontrollable, that we are mere victims of them. This could not be more false. We have agency and are given the power to choose. He explains, “Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?”. There is a reason we do not let out our frustrations on our boss – we choose not to! Our emotional response is a choice that we can do either out of love or disdain. 

In 3 Nephi, the Lord states, “Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (11:30). God wants us to be happy and wants us to show love and respect to His other children; this includes our spouse. This is not accomplished unless we acknowledge our spouse’s opinions, personal characterisitcs, values, and desires. There will be times that we disagree, but it is how we handle these disagreements that can either cause our marriage to crumble or to flourish.  In Gottman’s Several Principles for Making Marriage Work, two marital conflicts are addressed – perceptual and solvable problems. Perceptual are considered problems that will be apart of your lives forever in some form or another. It is the couple’s responsibility to learn how to effetively and respectfully live with this issue that may not necessarily go away. They learn to deal with it and find a way to keep the ongoing conflict in good nature. Solvable problems are issues that should be resolved. They may have caused tension, and need to be addressed and worked on head-on. I am sure that throughout marriage, a couple will face both of these marital conflicts, but it is how they handle them that will allow them to devlop and grow together. 

One of the biggest lessons that I have learned since being married is to not take things too seriously. When conflict arises, we can respond in different ways. I have learned that when my husband and I respond with humor, or lightheartedness in attempt to ease the tension, we are able to recognize that the conflict itself is not anything to get worked up about. Being quick to apologize and to forgive is key. Why drag out an issue longer than it needs to go? After attempting to resolve the issue, find something to agree on or find something that will cheer both you and your spouse up. We are responsible for our emotion and we can choose happiness if we really want to. 

What is one of the biggest downfalls to marriage? The answer is pride. Pride has a way of creeping into marriage and causing tension. By nature, we can be prideful beings. The way to keep a marriage happy and healthy is by learning how to keep this in check. Too frequently, pride can cause an unwillingness to change or learn, to accept fault, to apologize first, and to fully love and devote yourself to your spouse. When we are prideful, we think more of ourselves and less of our spouse.

At times, I have been guilty of letting my pride get in the way in terms of accepting constructive criticism. I feel like I am generally pretty hard on my self and am already aware of my flaws so when my husband brings something up (even when it is in a loving way) I can be quick to be defensive. This defensiveness comes from false assumptions that what he is saying is a form of judgement. I know my husband and I know that he means well. I know that he is an incredible man who emulates Christ-like love. Something I have learned over the past four years of knowing him and two years of marriage is that he deserves someone that is going to treat him the way he treats me which is with pure love and respect. Because of this, I strive to always keep my prideful habits in check. I have found that as I try to put pride aside when there are disagreements between us, that we are able to have an actual conversation and better see each other’s point of view. 

In the Ensign article, Beware of Pride by President Ezra Taft Benson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he speaks of pride. He says, “The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition. It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us”. One of the ways in which Satan tempts us is by filling our hearts with anger and pride. The Lord fills our hearts with love and happiness. That is why one of the ways we can rid ourselves of pride and turn toward Him and our loved ones is through the plan of Happiness. 

Growing up in a single parent household, I hardly knew the impact that small acts of kindness has on a marriage. It wasn’t until my mother got remarried that I noticed these small acts directed to one another. The acts done by my stepfather were not always big or super time-consuming, but they did show my mother that he was paying attention and thinking about her. I saw how happy these small acts made my mother and noticed how she reciprocated them gladly.  Author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman expresses the need for these small gestures. He belives that a long lasting, romance-filled marriage will be abundant in these small acts. That no matter how many vacations or romantic get aways that a couple goes on, it will not compare to the long-lasting romance and admiration that comes from serving one another. A happy marriage will be one filled with these loving acts. 

Gottman also teaches the need for creating shared meaning. This is done when our lives are full of symbols, rituals, and meaning. Something that I noticed when my mother got remarried was the increase of family dinners that we had. I looked forward to opportunities I got to spend quality time with my siblings and parents as we all ate together. We were able to discuess the events that were happening in our own personal lives, as well as bond together as we listended and told stories. From this ritualistic practice of eating dinner together as a family, I had the desire to continue this in my own marriage. When my husband and I get home, we like to cook dinner together and talk while doing so. This brings us closer together as we share that responsibility and have that quality time with one another. 

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that small things can bring to pass great works (Doctrine & Covenants 64:33). We know that the Lord notices our effort and will magnify our works. This applies to marriage too. The small acts that we strive to do for our spouse will enhance our marriage and will be magnified through the Lord.

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another” – Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, Marriage  (Links to an external site.)and Family Relations  (Links to an external site.)Instructor’s Manual, Lesson 5;  (Links to an external site.)The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Upon reviewing quotes and readings about marriage, I came across this quote in my marriage class. It had a huge impact on me as it spoke truth of how we should view and treat our spouse. We believe that God has entrusted us with a spouse to love and cherish for eternity. We are able to do this when we strive to view them in His eyes. We are all God’s children and each of us has a divine purpose. If we are constantly finding fault in them then we are not viewing them as such. Something that Elder Joe J. Christensen warns against is ceaseless pin-pricking. The reason this is so destructive is that it not only can lower their self-esteem, but it also can form a habit within us as we get used to seeing the bad and not focusing on the good. As human-beings we by nature are flawed. Most everyone is aware of their flaws, so it is no use to keep bringing up another person’s flaws. In a marriage or relationship, it is reasonable to discuss ways in which each individual can work on improving the relationship, but the practice of “ceaseless pin-pricking” should be avoided. 

I am sure each of us knows of a couple where the practice of ceaseless pin-pricking is done regularly. And I am sure we also all know of a couple where respect and admiration is abundant. The latter couple is most likely more happy and satisfied with their relationship as each member strives to see the good. I personally know of a couple where if anything is said about the other spouse, it is always positive. They never speak ill of one another and radiate happiness. Although having been married for twenty-two years, they seem just as in love as they were on the day they got married. When we look for the good we are acknowledging their faults but choosing to focus on the qualities that make them a divine child of God. This is how we will keep our relationships lasting and happy. 

In the eyes of society, marriage is becoming less and less important as the years progress. There are fewer marriages and an increase in the amount of divorce rates. A healthy family dynamic does more than just benefit a child’s development, it also creates a strong community development. In an article, titled State of Our Unions 2012, the importance of marriage is addressed. The quote reads, “Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times.” Marriage fosters growth and development in the lives of children and the success of a community.

Wedding rings are a symbolism of marriage. They are not to be worn only on the day of marriage, but for the entirety of the marriage. The ring, in the form of a circle, represents eternity and endless love. It is a way of showing the commitment between a husband and his spouse. The wedding ring is a commitment and a declaration, as should be marriage. A man and woman in marriage should always strive to commit themselves to one another and prioritize their sacred relationship. There may be some circumstances that warrant the need for divorce, but in most cases, divorce occurs when a man and woman are not fully committing themselves to one another. I have seen couples forgo divorce and committed themselves to working out their issues. Because they put in the necessary effort they became happier, more satisfied individuals that kept their marriage alive.

In the article, Divorce, by Dallin H. Oaks, he says “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” No marriage will ever be perfect. And no marriage will ever not require work.; It takes time and effort constantly.  But as we strive to work on improving our relationships, we can build a stronger marriage, increase the love within our homes with our children, and build an overall better society as we refocus on the important things of life.