Home

Have you ever been guilty of bringing one of the four horsemen into your marriage? If you have, put your mind at ease and know that we are not perfect beings. With that being said, we must always strive to evaluate ourselves and work on keeping these out of our relationships. These four practices are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Although more common in some marriages than others, these four elements are detrimental in any relationship. They cause tension within marriages and if not addressed can lead to divorce. How many couples do you know who have suffered from the fate of the four horsemen? 

Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson attempted to understand the difference between happy and unhappy marriages. They discovered that in order for a marriage to last, there needs to be a positive to negative ratio of 5:1. This means that couples will have conflict (that is inevitable), but those who want to make it last will seek the positive. For every negative factor in an argument or dicussion, there needs to be four positive factors. When conflict arises, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling need to be avoided and replaced with understanding and empathy. Conflict will cease to escalate if both individuals are genuinely trying to understand one another’s feelings and openly communicating about the issue at hand. 

I have personal experience with trying to refrain from using the four practices when arriving at a disagreement with my husband. By nature, I can be a bit defensive. I have never cared for critisicm even when it is constructive. I have noticed that when my husband and I begin to argue, I get very defensive. In attempt to control my upset emotion, I try to view the words that he is saying as an attempt to fix the issue. Knowing that he is a very loving, patient man, I try to recognize his opinion as one that comes from love and mutual respect. Practicing this habit, I have been able to control my emotion and view things differently. I am slower to offend or upset when I actively try to view things through his eyes. 

Any marriage will have conflict and disagreement, however, it is how we respond to them that will be the determining factor in the success of our marriage.  A happy marriage seeks the positive and focuses less on the negative.